And What Has It Gotten Me?
by Reader575
Summary: Olivia Pope lives two lives. Professionally she a well respected formidable attorney specializing in crisis management. Privately she is the above reproach never married daughter of Pastors Eli and Maya Pope. Olivia is about to turn 35 and realizes her personal life has not turned as she planned or hope. A crisis of faith makes her take desperate measures.
1. Chapter 1

AN – This two or three shot story has been rolling around in my head for weeks, so I decided it's time get it out so I move on to my other stories.

 **And What Has It Gotten Me?**

 **Chapter 1**

Long Live the New Olivia Pope

Olivia sat in her oak paneled office gazing out the window and tapping her Mont Blanc Meisterstuck fountain pen on a yellow notepad. Looking away from the window, she focuses her attention on the $800 pen clasped between fingers. An extravagant impulse purchase yes, one that her parents would no doubt classify as impetuous and sinful but Olivia doesn't care, she can afford to indulge in something as frivolous as an $800 pen. She can afford to indulge in a great many frivolous things and soon she will.

In seven hours and thirty-eight minutes, the Olivia Pope sitting at the neatly organized chrome and glass Herman Miller desk in the Law Offices of Beene, Langston & Doyle will cease to exist. Well, not totally. The formidable Olivia Pope, the rip you to shreds and stitch you up with a rusty needle and make you thank her for it Olivia Pope, the miracle working crisis manager Olivia Pope will survive unscathed. However, the prim and proper Olivia Pope, the chaste wholesome Sunday school teacher, the _thy will be done_ believer will pass away without so much as a whimper the moment she steps out the door at the end of day. The benevolent tyranny of Olivia the Holy Roller will end and the reign of Olivia purveyor of pleasure will ascend to the throne.

* * *

I've Tried It His Way Now It's My Turn

Olivia rushes through the revolving doors of her upscale apartment building. Distracted, thinking about the much-anticipated package due to arrive today, she almost misses Henry the door attendant's greeting. Henry is a congenial older man who has worked as the evening door attendant at her building for more than 20 years.

"Hello Ms. Pope. How are you this fine evening?"

Startled, Olivia stops and replies politely, "I'm doing well. How are you and Mrs. Lockhurst? Are her treatments almost over?"

"Can't complain Ms. Pope, as they say every day above ground is a great day. The missus is doing great thank you for asking. She told me to tell you she loved the gift basket you sent. We also want to thank you for putting her on the prayer list at your church. Someone from the prayer circle calls us every week to pray". Henry smiles appreciatively while Olivia tries not to grimace.

"No thanks necessary Henry, I'm so glad to hear Mrs. Lockhurst is on the road to recovery". Olivia chats with Henry for a few more minutes but she's anxious to get upstairs and see if her package has arrived. She gently pats Henry on the arm as she passes him on her way to check her mailbox before heading to the elevator.

"Oh Ms. Pope I almost forgot, a package came for you today". Olivia's smile broadens. "I gave it to your parents".

"You did what!" she shrieks unintentionally. Her smile instantly disappears, replaced by a look of sheer panic.

Fearing he has done something terribly wrong Henry quickly apologizes. "I'm sorry Ms. Pope, they arrived about an hour ago and since they were going up to your apartment I didn't see the harm in letting them take up the package. Is it for them? I'm so sorry if I've spoiled your surprise".

"It's okay Henry. Everything will be fine, don't worry." She turns on her heels and walks away without saying goodnight.

Pushing the elevator up button, she unconsciously taps on it to the beat of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. She knows it pointless to entertain the thought but she hopes for once her parents will respect her privacy and not open her package. Shaking her head in resignation, she knows she's kidding her, her parents have no boundaries when it comes to her. She hasn't lived under their roof in years but they still treat her like a naïve adolescent. The elevator doors open and she steps in. Thankful she's riding solo, she prepares herself for the confrontation that will surely ensue the moment she enters her apartment. The war of the Popes is about to begin.

Pausing at her door, Olivia takes a deep breath before entering. Using her key, she opens the door and walks into the apartment pretending no one is home. After hanging her coat on the coat rack, she places her purse on the table in the entryway. Head down, bracing for a lecture, she nervously shuffles through the mail in her hands on the short trek to the living room. Acting surprised, complete with a fake gasp and hand across her chest, she greets her parents, who are sitting on the living room couch. She walks over to the couch and gives each a peck on the cheek. Both senior Popes have sour scowls on their faces. _This is not going to go well_ she thinks. After kissing her parents, she notices the open box on her dining room table. The contents of the box are displayed museum style on the table. Her stomach drops.

"Olivia take a seat", her father Eli says sternly.

"I'd rather stand if you don't mind".

"Suit yourself", he grunts.

Her mother Maya walks over to the table pointing to the different items. "Olivia Carolyn Pope did you order this filth?"

Strewn across the table where she and her parents have eaten many a Sunday dinner are dildos, vibrators, clit stimulators, handcuffs, butt plugs, nipple rings, motion lotions, massage oils, how to DVDs, and condoms of various sizes and textures.

"Why did you open my package mom? Why is it you never respect my privacy?" Olivia huffs.

"Oh, excuse us, we thought the package contained books or toys for Sunday school", Eli retorts glibly.

Olivia gives her father a perplexing look. "Why would think the package was for Sunday school?

"It's from a store called Adam and Eve Olivia, what else would we think?" Maya pipes in.

Olivia rolls her eyes, _whose the more naïve me or them_?

"Watch that eye rolling girl", Eli warns.

"Olivia you were not raised this way. These are the tools of a whore, not someone raised in the church. Do you know what this stuff is used for? Did you buy these items for someone else? Is someone using your address to cover their sexual perversions?" Olivia feels embarrassed, ashamed and hurt by her parent's words.

"Olivia the things in that box are an abomination. God will not be pleased".

"You had to go there," Olivia smirks. "Well, I'm not pleased either and the things in that box are going solve that problem".

"Olivia!"

"Mom, dad, I'm a grown woman, mind you a 35 year old single woman who has given up much of her life to serve God and the church. And what do I have to show for years of unquestioning faith and service? I'll tell you what I have, useless virginity, constant loneliness and more than my fair share of unhappiness.

Olivia is tired and fed up with a god she believes has failed her. Apparently, he thinks she is undeserving of Christian love, so why not switch teams and see what the world has to offer. Who is to say which love is better or whether worldly love is inferior. Who decided Christianity holds the monopoly on the undisputed definition of love; the pious self-righteous member's of church, that's who! Olivia Pope is done with adhering to the rules and tenets espoused by the Sunday morning robed hypocrites who highlight humanity's failings from their bully pulpit. No, Olivia is ready to play it forward and allow herself to experience what the world outside of the church takes for granted.

"Mom, I don't want to be a nun and I'm tired of standing in faith. God has marked me and not in a good way. I'm always alone mom. Even in a room full of people, I'm alone. I stand amongst groups of happy couples silently screaming. I have a heartache so deep an abyss only skims the surface. God fed me a pick up line and I fell for it. He used my trust and my faith against me. It is clear to me he does not intend to give me the desires of my heart. He decided, I guess at birth, I was destined to live a lonely, solitary, emotionally unfulfilled life. Well, I take issue with that plan, so I will no longer sit watching you wave the bible every Sunday extolling god's promises because the god of the bible is capricious, vindictive, self-serving and just as unfeeling and uncaring as the ones the church calls heathens and sinners. The promises written on those pages are pipe dreams".

Maya covers her mouth in horror. Her parents stand dumbfounded listening to Olivia's anguish and angry words. Eli starts pacing around the room trying to figure out where he went wrong. How could he have missed his daughter's internal turmoil, how could they have missed her sadness and hurt?

Maya asks, "Olivia how long have you felt this way? You've never said anything about being unhappy or lonely. Is this about Edison marrying Elizabeth?"

Olivia throws her hands up. "Oh god take the wheel and drive me over the nearest cliff! No this is not about Edison and Elizabeth! I never loved, let alone liked Edison. Honestly, you two moon over that man like he is the second coming".

"Olivia, watch your mouth!" Eli warns a second time.

"Olivia you've always been an impatient person. You need to hold fast to your confession and in due time you will reap your reward."

"How long do I wait mama? I came to the lord at five. I am 35 years old. How long…mama…how long? It's real easy for those who have significant others to tell those who don't to wait on the lord because his timing is perfect. I now understand that's code for either god can't execute his promises or he's given you a one-way ticket to the land of broken promises and crushed dreams. In a weird way it makes sense, stands to reason, you can't really have happy people without sad lonely people. Dad you often preach our suffering perfects us and glorifies god. I fail to understand the logic in how being sad and miserable somehow brings god accolades and furthers the kingdom".

"Olivia, God's ways are higher than our ways. We may not understand his plan in the here-and-now but he promises to reveal all at the end. You have to trust Olivia. You have to trust and believe. We are his creation; it is not for us to question our creator's words or ways"

"Do you hear yourself? Do you realize how ridiculous that statement sounds? God gives himself an automatic pass and you are perfectly okay with it? He doesn't have to do anything or prove anything and we're just supposed to accept it. I'm tired of hearing ministers pontificate about a loving god who says _come let us reason together_ then in the next breath rationalizes our disappoints and hurts as god's will. There's a word for that; crazy. Reason together implies give and take. It means there should be some level of parity in the fruition of prayers".

"Olivia, the only one crazy here is you. You're speaking blasphemy child, pure blasphemy. You need to get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness. This is not you, this has all the markings of something your friend Abby cooked up". Eli is livid; somehow old scratch has gotten to his daughter and poisoned her mind and he's pretty sure the devil's apprentice came in the form of a sashaying consummate fornicator named Abby Whelan.

"Dad, do you have any idea how hard it is to watch couples holding hands, kissing, caressing, playing with their children and never experience it for yourself? Do you dad…do you? Of course not, because you have it! My life plays like a tragic drama in my head. I sacrifice, I force myself to smile no matter the circumstance, I recite the denominational party lines by rote and at day's end, I'm alone, burying my head in my pillow weeping from loneliness. You have no idea how it feels to wake up each morning totally demoralized because no man or even a woman wants you. Am I repugnant? Do I give off some desperation vibe? What's wrong with me? Why does God in his infinite wisdom think I am undeserving of love? What did I do to merit loneliness and emotional pain? What kind of god is he? I'm suffocating under his brand of stifling, isolating love. I can't lift my hands in praise to a being I feel wronged and abused by".

"Olivia I will not have you speak about the Lord in that manner", Eli said walking toward her.

"Why not? Will it hurt his nonexistent feelings? Will he be angry with me, cause frankly, I can't tell the difference between his indifference, anger and love. What more can he do to me? All he wants is for me to be the longsuffering unquestioning pew-warming worship fluffer. God takes and he takes and he takes some more until you feel empty inside. I cannot follow blindly anymore or settle for a one-sided relationship. Human beings require affection, the touch of another human being. I'm withering on the vine from a lack of attention.

"Olivia you are behaving petulant and ungrateful. The Lord has blessed you more than most and you stand here trivializing his hand in your life. Have you suffered a blow to the head? Are you unwell? Are you on drugs?" Eli touches her forehead.

"No, I just woke up. I woke one morning realizing my entire life had been stolen from me. Do you know what that does to person? Of course you don't! You've always had someone in your life. Dad I have so much anger and resentment brewing inside of me I feel I will explode at any minute. Please try to understand. If I don't explore another path I fear I will lose my capacity to give or receive love". Olivia is shaking from anger. Tears are running down her face. "Why does god's love have to be painful and devastating?"

"Olivia, God does not abuse us and his love is neither painful nor devastating. He loves us more than we will ever understand! Deep down in your heart you recognize this truth!"

"No mama, I do not subscribe to that assertion. He demands praise, blind faith, unconditional love and absolute loyalty. I can't sale his story anymore because I don't understand his type of vain doctrine.

"Are you calling god narcissistic? Eli asks incredulously. Olivia ignores his question.

"I've been in the church all my life, always putting my needs and wants behind everyone else because you taught me to esteem others more highly than myself. Why… what the hell for…to end up like this…resentful and angry? God gets what he needs everyday through worship; what about us saints? What about our needs?"

Maya raises her hand to slap Olivia for cursing and disrespecting God but Eli restrains her.

"All the good brothers and sisters at our church who listened to the serpent at their ear and took a bite of the fornication apple are married with families while I sit here chaste and alone. Well sorry, no longer mama, the good ship closed legs has set sail to dry-dock at the island of useless values and wasted time! I will not squander prayers or my time reasoning with an unseen unreasonable being. I am going to wax and groom and give up my membership in the V Club."

"Olivia, you will not speak to you mother in that way!

Maya grabs Olivia's arm and tries to force her to her knees to pray. Olivia jerks her arm out of Maya's hands and moves away from her parents. Eli slowly approaches her.

"Olivia, we know it seems as though God doesn't care sometimes, but all things are working for you good. His answer may be no right now but that doesn't mean the answer will be no forever".

Olivia stiffens her back.

"Enough! she shouts. You see this is what I'm talking about. Despite everything I've said you still make excuses for god. Am I supposed to find love in a nursing home when I'm wearing a diaper, toothless and half blind? Is that the future you're saying I should be content to accept? Screw that! If that's the life god has planned for me forget it.

Eli grabs his daughter's hand. He squeezes her hand tightly making her wince in pain. She looks at him with tears in her eye. Seeing her pain, he quickly comes to himself and releases her hand.

Massage her hand, Olivia glowers at her parents. "Look, I've given the invisible man 30 years of my life. Thirty years of trust unearned based on a book written thousands of years of go. Why is it he has nothing to prove to me but I have to remain faithful, follow blindly and be okay with getting my due in the hereafter. I want love in the here and now? I'm tired of living up to the expectations of a god who does not live up to mine. I've prayed, fasted and I've heard nothing but silence. You tell me the answers to my prayers are sometimes no, well I thinks it is no because there is no one listening. I have placed trust in the nonexistent for far too long. I watch on the sidelines while others have families and relationships and I have nothing but cold sheets and romantic movies for company. As they say, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I guess fooling me hundreds of times makes be a damn idiot. No, I've been duped and used and will no longer play the longsuffering fool".

Olivia walks over the buffet next to the dining room table, opens the cabinet and pulls out her leather bible. She returns to her parents and hands the book to her father. He opens the book, practically every page is lined-through in black marker.

"What is this?"

"A bible", Olivia smirks.

"Don't be a smart-aleck Olivia", Eli snaps. "I'm aware it is a bible. Why are the pages line-through?"

"I redacted it by deleting all the promises, affirmations and references to love. Since those verses do not apply to me, I wanted you see what was left to my life instruction manual.

"Olivia you are going to get down on your knees and beg God for his forgiveness, then you are going to dump that box of filth down the garbage chute. I will not have the church find out my daughter has turned into a pervert".

Olivia glares at her parents through narrow slit eyes, with anger in her heart for the first time in her life. All they care about is what the congregation will think; what God will think. They could care less about her needs or what she wants.

"Do you have something else to say Olivia?"

"No I've said all I have to say".

Eli and Maya sink to their knees and wait for Olivia to join them.

Without saying a word, Olivia packs up the box and takes it down the hallway to her room. She stops half way and turns around, "please let yourselves out and leave my keys on the table".

"Olivia you come back here, Eli yells. The next sound Eli and Maya Pope hear is the lock on Olivia's bedroom door click. Olivia has never defied her parents and they are beyond bewildered by their only offspring's behavior. Holding each other for support, they stay their knees praying for Olivia for the next twenty minutes. When they finish Maya retrieves a bottle of anointing oil from her purse and they begin anointing the doors and entryways against further demonic incursion.

* * *

Eli opens the door just as Abby as is about to knock.

Surprised Abby jumps taking a step backward.

"Oh, uhm, hello Mr. and Mrs. Pope. How are you? It's good to see you again". Abby smiles extending her hand in greeting.

Eli and Maya sneer at her. They never approved of Olivia's friendship with Abby. Now they are paying the price for letting their daughter be unequally yoked with a card-carrying atheist. The red headed temptress has finally corrupted their baby's morals, leading her astray to hell's front door.

"You... you…you've filled our daughters head with lies and made her question her faith. You evil witch, you won't get away with this. God is going take care of you. We are not going to lose our daughter to Satan's flock.

Maya goes nose to nose with Abby. "You better stay away from her if know what's good for you. God has a plan for Olivia's life and it doesn't involve you or your sinful whoring ways. Olivia is a good girl, morally upright and destined to do great things for the kingdom of God".

Abby is stupefied. Is this what Olivia has had to deal with all her life? Abby responds to Maya with equal contemptuous intensity.

"First of all, Olivia is not a girl, she is a grown woman. She is tired of waiting for your god's big plan to become a reality. Olivia is a good person who is sexual frustrated. Her wanting love and intimacy does not change the essence of who she is as a person.

"She can find intimacy in the church through a close relationship with God. She doesn't need to spread her legs in some random hookup. Stay away from our daughter. Go peddle your Jezebel lifestyle elsewhere".

Olivia hears shouting coming from the living room and runs out to see what is going on.

Running over to Abby, she grabs her by the arm and pulls her all the way into the apartment.

"This is my house mom and dad and you will respect my guests or find yourselves uninvited".

"Olivia you would choose this woman of ill-repute over your parents?"

"In a heartbeat!"

Eli and Maya grab their coats and storm out of Olivia's apartment.

"Wait, my keys please, Olivia reminds her parent holding out her hand.

Eli and Maya fumble to remove Olivia's key from their key rings. They ignore Olivia's outstretched hand and place the two keys on the table by the door.

This isn't over Eli mumbles as Olivia closes the door in his face face.

* * *

So what do you think? Is Olivia setting herself up for more hurt and disappointment?

Do you think Abby is going to corrupt her morals and have her hook-up with a series indiscriminate one-nighters?

What do you will be the Popes next move?

Old Scratch – is a southern moniker for the devil

Adam and Eve- is an online adult sex toy company, strangely enough founded in North Carolina. Can you believe it?

Let me know you thoughts and thanks for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

**And What Has It Gotten Me**

 **Chapter 2**

 **Did We?**

Eli and Maya ride down the elevator emotionally adrift somewhere between bewilderment and hurt. Leaning against the copper wire inlay of the elevator back wall rubbing his temples, Eli tries to massage away the brain crushing pressure from his tension headache. He is still in a state of shock, he cannot wrap is head around what transpired in Olivia's apartment moments ago. How can his daughter, the pastor's daughter question her faith? PKs go through this existential rebellion crap during puberty not at age 35. Initially convinced Olivia's out-of-the blue 180-degree rejection of her faith was the result of some external influence rather than internal, he and Maya were quick to assign fault to Abby and/or the devil. However, now given the benefit of a calmer head he questions the legitimacy their accusation. _Is Abby the instigator of Olivia's sudden quest for flesh? Is she to blame for Olivia's planned fall from grace? Is it Satan at work here or is the answer to the question found closer to home?_ Eli closes his eyes contemplating the shameful humiliating possibility. No, this cannot be happening, not to his family. The Pope family is faithful, steadfast, not given to the uncertainty and disbelief laypeople fall victim to. Yet, if his own daughter questions God's love, if he as shepherd has failed to communicate or model walking in and showing God's love in his own home what does that say about his effectiveness as a spiritual leader? As a loving father? Eli feels as if he is about to have his own crisis of faith.

"My, what have we done to Olivia?"

Glaring at her husband, Maya slowly cranes her neck, "Excuse me! What do you mean, what have weee… done? Are you seriously standing here insinuating we have anything to do with this mess? All we have ever done is teach that girl right from wrong, encourage her, and give her the tools to be a strong woman in the Lord. We gave her morals and standards. We gave her the black and white of life, no gray, no mystery, no reason to walk outside the confines of God's word". Eli's question infuriates Maya and she spews a response ripe with irritation and disbelief.

"How can you ask such a ridiculous question? We did not cause or create Olivia's crisis of faith".

"My, she thinks God doesn't love or care about her. She thinks he has her marked for misery like Job. We taught her to care for those around her, to place a premium on selflessness and self-sacrifice. We taught her suffering for the Lord brings God glory. Maybe we overdid it". He takes Maya's hand in his. "Maybe we emphasized the gospel ideal to the detriment of her expectations of a happy life".

Shaking her head, she retracts her hand and walks to other side of the elevator. "Where are you going with this Eli? It is a little too late to start second-guessing how we have raised our daughter. We brought her up according to the word of God and you have no right to challenge the correctness of our decision because Olivia is going through some brief midlife moral dilemma. We did nothing wrong in teaching her the importance of caring for those in need around her or the realities of life's temporary angst when it comes to serving the Lord."

"My, how often did we encourage her to ask for help when she needed it? We constantly told her to take her questions, sorrows and burdens to the Lord".

"And that was wrong because…? We tell the congregation the same thing. The word instructs us to do so. Why would we tell Olivia anything different? The Lord is our great counselor".

"Yes, that is true Maya but God places us in families, friendships and communities for a reason. The word tells us to support one another, to uplift our brethren in times of need and to care for one another. Isn't this why he gives us intercessors and confidants? We told Olivia to take her problems to the Lord before she truly understood what that meant. We never specifically told her going to the Lord meant excluding us or other trusted friends but I can see how our omission made her infer we might have viewed her as weak if she brought a problem to us. Every day she witnessed us counsel congregants who seemed unable to connect with the Lord. She heard us whisper our pity or our disappointment at those who faltered in faith. We took for granted Olivia's emotional needs because we always treated her as if she was on par with us spiritually. Why did we expect a five year old to function as a mighty warrior of the kingdom? My, we had Olivia laying on hands and leading prayer circles before she had her permanent teeth. All she has ever known is duty and sacrifice. Think about it, until her senior year of high school Olivia never spent an evening out with friends attending a non-church related function".

"Yeah, and look what happened! She ends up friends with Abby."

"My, Olivia said she has to leave the church or risk losing her capacity to love. Maya our baby is 35 years old and wants to look outside the church to learn what real love is. Somewhere along the way we stopped listening to her or paying attention and now she is confused and hurting".

Eli tilts his head pressing it against wall, looking up at the ceiling focusing on the art deco light panels. He tacitly mumbles the proverbial catch phrases he often parroted to his daughter. "Wait on the lord Olivia, in due season you will reap your reward, just hold fast to your confession. Don't settle Olivia, never settle, the longer the wait, the bigger the blessing. Remember Abraham and Sarah Olivia. Sweet Jesus, of the examples of faith to drill into her we pick the one with one of the longest waits. Abby could not have turned her if we had done our job. We did exactly what we said we'd never do and that's assume. Contrary to our best intentions, we assumed because she was our daughter she was impervious to the doubt and worry that plagues others. We never considered our sermons on keeping the faith actually applying to Olivia. We assumed she was almost perfect."

"I refuse to entertain your supposition Eli. Olivia is under some undue influence, possessed, on drugs or some combination thereof. Even if what you say is true, Olivia is an adult. Whatever negative situation happened in her childhood I am sure she has already dealt with the issue. No Eli, I truly believe Abby's loose morals and atheist propaganda are at play here, nothing else" Maya huffs.

"Our daughter is intelligent, self- sufficient, accomplished and lonely. Do you ever recall Olivia coming to us for help on anything having to do with an emotional need? Good grief we didn't find out about the nature of her relationship with Edison until he announced his engagement to another woman. Do you ever recall having conversations about love with our daughter that didn't include stressing the importance of serving the church in some capacity?" Maya starts to say something then stops. She turns away from Eli opting to stare straight ahead rather than continue to analyze and dissect their parental shortcomings.

The elevator doors open to lobby. Maya storms out ahead of Eli. Stopping at the revolving door, she puts on her gloves and angrily ties the belt to her coat mumbling under her breath. Eli approaches her cautiously, he knows his wife and this occasion calls for a reassuring touch and silence. He places his hand in hers and together they walk out. Henry is still on duty when the Popes pass by. Their demeanor speaks volumes and he wants to kick himself for giving them the box.

* * *

 **Will the real Olivia Pope Please Stand Up**

Back in her apartment, Olivia is apologizing to Abby.

"I'm sorry about that Abby, my parents put the 'd' in devout and you my dear friend unfortunately have earned their scorn by being an affront to their values".

Still confused, "me, what did I do?" Abby asks with concern.

"They think you are clouding my judgment and leading me down the path to hell. If they could they'd probably drown you as a witch or put you in the stock of the town square". Olivia laughs only half joking.

"Eli and Maya can be extremely overprotective at times and when it comes to any real or perceived threat to my well-being, their protective defenses register ten on the Richter scale".

"Okay, they are intense, I get it, but that still doesn't explain why they think I'm leading you astray".

"One, you are not a virgin, two, you are not a virgin, three you are not a virgin. You engage in sex outside of marriage. You drink, curse on occasion and are an atheist".

"Damn it, I thought those were some of my best attributes!" Abby titters after hugging Olivia and taking a seat on the couch.

"I cannot believe they called me a witch and literally meant it. How have you managed to survive all that fundamentalist shit for so long?"

"You forget, I used to share the same views, drink the same Kool-Aid. I was a member of their Borg collective. Resistance was futile".

"What changed?"

"I don't really know; no, that's not true. I changed".

"How so?"

"One morning I woke up angry. I mean rip the heads off cute stuff animals angry. I started screaming into my pillow and crying uncontrollably. Overwhelming despair took hold of me and a stream of expletives flowed out of mouth from depths of my soul. I shouted to god for help, I fell to my knees praying frantically and by day's end all I had to show for my efforts was a sore throat and no answers. All I heard after a day of anguish filled unceasing prayer was silence, no still small voice, no inner inkling that everything was going to be all right, nothing".

"Liv there has to be more to this. No one wakes up out of the blue angry. What you are describing is the result of pent-up repressed emotions or some major trauma. What have you been holding in Liv? Did someone hurt you?"

"I'm tired Abs. I'm tired of standing in faith and smiling as if all is right in my world. I'm tired of being strong and the go to person for everyone. I'm tired of being the dependable one, the self-reliant one that no one ever offers to help. I'm tired of being the one to call the plumber or to take my car in to be serviced. I'm tired of coming home to an empty apartment and eating dinner alone. I have no one to hold my hand, and say _I love you_ or say _I'll take care of that for you_. I woke up realizing I have spent my entire life being holy and no time working on being whole." Olivia breaks down and weeps. Olivia, for the first time in her life, is allowing herself to be vulnerable.

"The church is not enough for me anymore. God is not enough for me. I feel empty, alone and marked. For years, I have watched others marry, have families and have a wonderful life. I deserve to be happy and if the church and God are making me unhappy it's time for me to explore other options. I want to experience life outside of revivals, tent meetings, potlucks and gospelfests. I want to be with people socially who can converse on topics other than mission trips, building fundraisers, choir robes and how the ravishes of sin are destroying society. I want to break out of this world of people with narrow minds and wide judgmental mouths who believe their way to live is the only way to live. I'm choking on the bread of ideals I no longer hold dear. I tired of hurting Abs".

"Oh Liv, I'm so sorry". Abby takes Olivia in her arms and they hold each other tight crying until their blouses are soaking wet.

Abby empathizes, worries and is happy for her friend all at the same time. Olivia is a guarded person, always presenting herself as the epitome of strength and self-assuredness. The Olivia in Abby's arms is the real Olivia, raw and uncensored. This Olivia is the friend Abby longs to know, to commensurate with and to bond with over deep and silly conversations. Olivia is a good friend who never judged Abby for her lifestyle or let her holy roller sympathies encroach on their friendship. Abby has always sensed there is a part of herself Olivia holds in reserve, a melancholy part she keeps locked under her gladiator personae. Now she knows her hunch about her well-composed friend is spot on.

Abby breaks their embrace. "Liv, I'm going to get a box tissue, will you be okay for second". Olivia nods and uses her index fingers to wipe the tears from her eyes and cheeks. She leans back against the couch letting her cathartic release take hold of her tension racked body. Abby returns a minute or two later with a box of tissue in one hand and a glass of water in the other.

'Here, drink this, it will help".

Olivia grabs a few tissues to blow her nose and takes a few sips of water. "I sorry Abby, you don't need my drama."

"Liv isn't this exactly one of the things you say is upsetting you. I am your friend; friends share one another's burdens. You don't have to be strong or in control around me. I am so happy to be here for you. You have always been there for me; finally, I get to return the favor. Thank you for not being perfect, I was beginning to wonder". They both snicker.

"I must admit it is such a relief to finally open up and talk about this. I've held these feelings in for so long".

"Liv you never judge me and I hope you know I will never judge you. You have held me in your arms through break-ups that have left me pieces. You were there for me to lean on during my mom's cancer scare and you never left my side when Henry broke my arm and fractured my eye socket and you made sure he never came near me again by taking a tire iron to his kneecap and breaking his jaw. Liv you are more than my friend, you are my hero, nothing you say or do will ever change that. I want you to know the tears I'm shedding are happy tears".

"Happy?"

"Yes, happy tears. I'm happy you have finally allowed yourself to be vulnerable and open. I am happy because you are allowing me to see the real you, not the polished eight by ten retouched glossy. Liv being formidable and vulnerable are not mutually exclusive. No one has it all together or all the answers to what life throws our way. If we're lucky we have friends and family to help us navigate life's inevitable ups and downs".

"I know Abby, I know now. Thank you being here and being my friend".

"Shucks chica, over a cliff". Abby hugs Olivia and kisses her brow.

"Well in case you have not guessed already the box from Adam and Eve came today".

"Great, let's open it up and see what you got. Wait, hold on a second, did your parents see what was in the box?" Olivia nods her head.

"Actually they opened it before I got home. They thought it was a box of Sunday school materials".

"Well hell, no wonder mama bear and papa bear went ballistic on me". Abby falls backward laughing and holding her stomach, her body partially reclining atop the arm of the couch. "I can imagine what they thought when they opened the box".

"My mom called it a box of abomination".

"What did you say?"

"I told her I felt all I had after faithful years of service to the church was worthless virginity, constant loneliness and more than my fair share of unhappiness. I told her the good ship Closed Legs was setting sail to the island of useless values and wasted time for dry-dock. I told her I was going to wax and groom and give up my membership in the Club V."

"Whoa Liv slow down and take a moment here. Don't get me wrong I agree you have lived a sheltered life almost nun like but don't think the secular life is perfect or a guarantee of fulfillment. I haven't found Mr. right and it's not from a lack of trying. Relationships are difficult whether built on a religious foundation, cultural or secular basis. Sex does equal love or guarantee emotional intimacy. Sometimes sex will cure loneliness but only for as long as you share a bed. Olivia sex will not fill the void in your soul or take away your anger or pain. Rushing to be deflowered for the sake of it just because you think you are missing out on something you believe others take for granted is not a reason to have sex. Sex is not always romance and love, it can be mechanical, detached and downright unpleasant. Most men are in it for their own gratification and you end up being their vessel of choice for the night, the moment, or the month. Sex in the real world has little to do with an emotional or loving connection and everything to do selfish physical pleasure. How often have you told me Christians believe there is a spiritual connection made when you become one with your spouse? In the secular world, you often engage in physical intimacy for pure sexual satisfaction. Olivia, trust me once you go down this road you will always crave the physical stimulation, the drive to satisfy your desires regardless of any emotional connection. The desired emotional outcome is not always achieved but you always chase after it like an addict jones'n for your next high and if you are not careful, you can end up with someone dangerous. So Liv if you just want to get your first time over with we can hire a professional, someone with no strings attached but if you are looking for a relationship, it may not happen as quickly or in the manner you want.

"I hear you Abby, I'm under no illusions here. At this point, all I want is to date someone who isn't interested in improving their position in the church by dating me or seeing me as their ticket to a ready-made congregation once my father retires".

"Is that why you broke up with Edison?"

"I was never officially with Edison. We sat in church together and went out for coffee a few times but that was it. We talked about dating but Edison has very old fashion beliefs in regards to the roles of husbands and wives. He expected me to quit my job if we got married. He said it would reflect badly on him if I continued to work because I made significantly more money that he did. He said I should be dependent on him. He said our focus should be on the church and helping my father shepherd the flock. Abs I want marriage but I don't want to give up who I am to have it. I don't want to pretend to be someone I am not. The sad thing is Edison is not the exception; many men in the church share his attitude. Abby I'm 35 years old and have never been on a real date".

"I understand Liv, all I'm saying is I want you to have realistic expectations".

"Trust me Abs I have learned to temper my expectations. My only goal is not to be so damn old when I finally do _the do_ that I need a truckload of ky jelly to enjoy the experience. Abby I want to save myself from being the slack-jawed octogenarian giving away free blowjobs in the community room of a nursing home because that's all I left to offer or am good for".

"Okay Liv, message received loud and clear". Abby looks away to gather her thoughts, how can she help Olivia and protect her friend's heart.

" Liv, I read an article yesterday about a woman who was in her 50s and still virgin. She too felt life had passed her by and bemoaned her charter membership in Club V. She had other issues that I won't go into, but long story short, she sought therapy through a sex surrogate. Maybe you should consider using a sex surrogate instead of playing the field so to speak. I truly think you need to deal with your internal emotional issues and desire for intimacy in a therapeutic setting".

Olivia remains silent for the next five minutes. In her mind, she is analyzing Abby's suggestion, weighing the pros and cons. It seems a viable option, she gets to exercise her demons, experience physical intimacy and work on being a whole person. She has reservations but she's willing to at least find out all the therapy entails.

Abby begins to think she has offended Olivia. "I'm sorry Liv, forget I suggested it".

Olivia clears her throat, "Who do we call?"

* * *

AN – Olivia and a sex surrogate; really? I wonder how her parents are going to react to that. Do you think she should tell her parents what she is contemplating? Do you think she will go through with it? Should she go through with it?

Abby is a good friend, wise and caring; don't you think.

Maya Pope is hardcore. There are no shades of gray with her. Do you think Eli is right in his assessment of their parenting?

Have any of you gone through a crisis of faith? Have you sat in church watching everyone around you participating with zeal and felt nothing? This is where Olivia is at in her life journey. Proximity to church leadership does not immunize you against doubt, disappointment or loneliness.

Please share your thoughts in a review. You never know your story or insight may help someone else. I'd also like to hear what you think of Olivia's feelings.

Until next time, take care and have a great week.


	3. Chapter 3

**And What Has It gotten Me**

 **Chapter 3**

 **One Year Ago**

Three security guards and a podium are the only things separating the good Senator from the mob of rabid reporters vying for her attention. Cameras flash all around her, dozens of questions are lobbed at her, and the jarring combination is making her head pound. It had been a slow news week on the hill until word spread a few days ago that federal charges were being filed against the Senator and Senator Hollis Doyle of Texas for fraud and obstruction of justice. Striking while the proverbial iron was hot, within moments of the U.S. Attorney General's announcement, BNN broke its' companion story linking the two senators romantically. The Senator thought to herself, _"what a fucking week I'm having!"_

The Senator steps closer to the podium, she raises her hand to block the blinding camera lights from her eyes. Matthew Benedict, her chief of staff, motions with his hands for the press pool to settle down. Once the press is quiet, the Senator steps forward to speak. Dressed in her signature red power suit, she stands gripping the sides of the podium ready to address the press on her own terms.

"I will make a brief statement regarding the recent Federal indictment handed down a few days ago. However, I will not take any questions from the press at this time, as the investigation surrounding the indictment is ongoing. First, I want to publically apologize to my husband for the embarrassment and hurt I have caused him because of I my indiscretion and lapse in judgment. My husband is a good man, honest, faithful, supportive and caring. I ask that you refrain from asking my husband any questions or publically hounding him for an exclusive statement or quote. Our marriage issues are a private matter and not open to public scrutiny. I ask that you respect our privacy while we work through this difficult time. That being said, please confine and direct your inquiries regarding the investigation of my personal relationship with Senator Doyle to the communications directors of my office or the office of Senator Doyle. Second, I unequivocally and categorically deny all of the allegations in the federal indictment. I have no knowledge of the events or circumstances detailed in the indictment nor do I have any knowledge of Senator Doyle's alleged participation or knowledge of the acts outlined in the indictments. I look forward to my day in court and the opportunity to vindicate myself of these unfounded and scurrilous charges. There is no creditable evidence linking me the illegal acts detailed in the court documents. Innuendo and guilt by association is the only thing tying me these allegations. I am the innocent victim of a smear campaign perpetrated by a disgruntled former aide whose sexual advances I rejected on numerous occasions. I only hope the U.S. Attorney's Office exercises the same zeal in investigating the background and motives of its' star witness as it has in pursuing me and Senator Doyle. That is all I have to say at this time. Thank you and again direct any questions you have to my office".

Mellie steps away from the podium assisted by a smiling Fitzgerald Grant.

"Thank you for being here. I appreciate you coming".

"Mellie you made a mistake you didn't commit a murder. You've apologized and taken full responsibility for your affair. What more can anyone ask of you?" Mellie smiles and begins walking back to her senate office. Fitz joins her and stays by her side through the crush of reporters.

Entering her office the staff immediately comes to attention. Earlier they were huddled around the television watching their boss delivery what could be her final speech as a US senator. Mellie nods to her team choosing not to stop and chat for obvious reasons.

"Have a seat Fitz. Would you care for drink?'

"No I'm fine, I only have a few minutes before I'll have to go". Mellie pours herself a drink and takes a seat on the edge of her desk in front of Fitz.

"Fitz you do ever wonder if our relationship would have turned out differently if we hadn't been so headstrong in what we wanted so early on in our lives?"

"I doubt it Mellie. You've been a political animal all your life and thrive on the adrenaline rush from political tug of war. I on the other hand shied away from my family's plan for political greatness in favor of a more individualized approach to serving the public good. We were never meant to be anything other than friends Mels." Mellie smiles in agreement.

"I guess you're right. You're a good friend Fitz.

"I try to be. Can I ask you question?"

"Sure, why not I'm an open book with you."

"Why did you do it?" Mellie slightly taken aback puts her drink down and gives Fitz a confused glare. _Does he think I'm guilty?_ , Mellie thinks to herself.

"What do you mean, why did I do it, Mellie snaps.

Fitz undeterred by Mellie's tone presses on. He has heard all the reasons men give for cheating, he's just curious about the female rationale. "Why did you cheat on Winfred?"

Mellie exhales in relief, for a minute she thought her friend doubted her innocence. "Why do you want to know?"

"I guess I want to get the female perspective. These situations usually happen the other way around."

"I would think you would have heard every possible reason imaginable by now. Why does anyone cheat? They're unhappy, they feel their marriage is in the tanker, or it lacks excitement or lacks love, take your pick".

"Yes, but why did you seek comfort outside of your marriage?"

"It wasn't any one thing Fitz, it was a combination of things, a few I'm ashamed to admit are rather shallow". She takes another swig of her drink.

" I'm afraid I fall into the cliché unfaithful spouse category, owing my impropriety to being unhappy and feeling my marriage was empty, unsatisfying. I'd even go as far as saying my marriage felt dead. Did I use those feelings of discontent to justify intentionally cheating on my husband? No, my affair was not a conscious act. It wasn't planned. I did not go looking for a lover. I felt alone and loneliness can make you vulnerable to doing that which you would not normally do".

"I understand", Fitz nods.

"Winfred and I had become strangers without knowing it. We were acquaintances who shared a bed, a home and a retirement fund and not much else". Mellie wipes a lone tear from her right eye with the back of the thumb of the hand holding her drink. She presses the cool glass against her brow in an attempt to quell her throbbing headache.

"Physical intimacy was never a high priority with Winfred. I understood that before I married him. He derives his greatest pleasure from brokering deals and being a business success. We made a good team because our careers complimented one another and fostered a mutually beneficial network of political and corporate allies; that's how Hollis came across my path. Surprisingly, despite his looks and backwoods audacity, Hollis had an understated charm I found attractive. In public, he came off as chauvinistic at times, but in private, he was exciting, always generous with his praise and resources and downright funny as hell. He came along at a time when I needed someone who made me feel desired, cherished and happy. With Hollis, I was special, beautiful and appreciated. Sex merely reinforced those emotions."

"Mellie you are beautiful, special and appreciated. You always have been and always will be".

"Thank you for saying that Fitz, a woman needs to hear those words beyond her engagement and wedding day".

"You said there were also a few shallow reasons that made you stray. What was one of those shallow reasons that made you forsake your vows?" Mellie eyes Fitz questioningly. She wonders where his sudden fascination in marital infidelity is coming from. It's not as if he hasn't heard this kind of story before. Maybe reconciling the acceptance of the typical pat excuses for adultery is more difficult when it's a friend or someone you esteem. Taking a deep breath, she shares her truth with her curious friend.

"Promise not to smirk or judge me?"

"Have I ever Mellie?"

"There's always a first time Fitzgerald", Mellie quips.

"I promise to remain my usual composed, nonjudgmental self". He raises his right in affirmation and grins.

Glancing out the window of her office, "It all started with his name. I always thought Winfred Ashford Gleason sounded pretentious. Thankfully, his nickname, Winnie, made him seem more down to earth. Well, one day I said his name and for some reason all I could think of was Winnie, as in Winnie the Pooh. I thought to myself, what kind of grown man allows himself to be referred to as Winnie instead of Win or Fred? Every time I said Winnie or heard someone call him Winnie, it would grate on me my nerves and it did not help matters that Winfred is pudgy and to some extent shaped like a teddy bear. Weeks went by and one day he stopped by my office. Hollis happened to be there asking for my support on a bill he was sponsoring. Anyway, Winfred comes in wearing a red polo shirt. He and Hollis greet one another and Hollis makes a comment about Win wearing Pooh red. I immediately felt embarrassed and ashamed of my aloof husband who failed to get the meaning behind the comment. I wondered whether others made the Winnie the Pooh comparison and laughed at him behind his back. I even had a nightmare where I was on the floor of senate being addressed as Senator Pooh.

Fitz stifles a chuckle. "That is rather shallow Mellie".

"I know but when you are unhappy the insignificant magnifies your dissatisfaction. It is the impetus for your eventual slip".

"I see. Do you still love Winfred?"

"Yes I do; more than ever. Winfred is a good man. He is a good man with a good heart; something I took for granted. After he found out about the affair, he apologized to me for not being more affectionate and allowing unimportant matters to come between us. He asked me to forgive him. Can you believe that?"

"So you and Hollis are over?"

"Yes, we're over. Winnie and I are going to counseling and I won't be seeking re-election. We want to start our family and I'm no spring chicken you know", Mellie snickers.

"I'm happy for you Mels, for you and Winfred."

"Thank you Fitz". They exchange a few more words then Fitz leaves for his next appointment and Mellie goes to face her nervous staff.

* * *

 **Ten Months Ago**

To say Huck was "knock me over with a feather", stunned speechless, when Fitz told him he needed a fake identity would be an understatement. It made no sense, a man in Fitz's poistion using a fake identity. Fitz had helped Huck's family out when they had nowhere else to turn. He owed him; he owed Fitz big time. He couldn't say no to his friend's request.

"Fitz you aren't in any trouble, are you?"

"No I am not. I thought we agreed no questions Huck".

"We did but this is totally out of character for you. Why would you of all people need a fake identity? You'd tell me if you were in real trouble wouldn't you? I owe you. If you hadn't…"

"Don't, you don't owe me a thing. You needed help; I was in a position to help your family, so I did. How is your family by the way?"

"Great. They ask about you all the time".

"Glad to hear they're doing well, give them my best".

"I will".

"Well I'm kind of in a hurry, can we finish up here?" Fitz shifts impatiently in the passenger seat.

"Sure Fitz, no problem". Huck reaches into the inside pocket of his leather jacket and pulls out a folded white envelope. He hands the envelope to Fitz who rips it open.

"One fake identity as requested", Huck confirms. "Drivers license, reloadable prepaid credit card, and the key to a mailbox at Mailboxes etc on Atlantic Avenue".

Huck reaches behind the passenger seat and retrieves a large manila envelope.

"Here's your burner phone and keys to a black explorer on the second level of the parking garage across the street. Registration and insurance are all in the name of Jeremy West".

Fitz looks over the documents. Thank you Huck this makes what I have to do much easier. Don't worry I'm not doing anything illegal. I'm actually conducting a little empirical research which requires a certain degree of anonymity so I can gather unbiased data". Fitz is not lying per se; he is conducting research, he just happens to the subject of the research.

 **The Present**

Fitz watches Dolores put her hair in a ponytail and undress. Her body is slender and ghost white except for three colorful Hindu myths inspired tattoos running from the top of her left shoulder blade down the length of her trapezius. He strips off his briefs, puts on a condom and walks over to her. Gripping her hips, he spins her around gently to face him and kisses her brow. He strokes her arms, takes her by the hand and pins her against the wall. He wants their last time together to be the culmination of all their experiences. In his head, he diligently goes down his list of moves from foreplay to penetration. He starts by planting a trail of kisses from her neck to her sternum and then performs every vertical non-missionary inspired sex act he can think of. Insert finger here, rub her clit this way, thrust and nip, lick and bite…one two three pant…stroke and pinch. Is the sex mechanical, yes most definitely, but in the end the desired effect is achieved. She mewls, he grunts and they both collapse onto the floor satisfied. He gives her a peck on the lips as usual, the desire to kiss her passionately he has never crossed his mind. Of course, they have explored the niceties of tongue kissing, it is after all a part of the sexual experience, but he has never wanted to initiate or indulge in any heavy tongue action with her. In fact, in all of their sexual encounters, he has approached every single one of their couplings with a clinical pedagogic detachment. He knew going into this there was the risk of forming an emotional bond with her but he knew he didn't have to worry about that, for he had made up his mind from the gate being with Dolores was going to be purely about the sex. He didn't want any attachment, he couldn't afford it. The lack of commitment makes his dabble into sexual exploration easier and seems more in line with an adulterer mindset. It affords him the clarity to experience all the pleasure-giving sensations of sexual intercourse without the danger of romantic entanglement. After all, he is only doing this to understand the supposed addictive physical craving behind doing something forbidden.

Emotional attachment with the surrogate is a genuine concern during the sex therapy process, which is why the sexual intercourse sessions are limited in number. Surrogates have lives outside the clinic and are chosen because of their ability to separate their role as surrogate from the rest of their life. Dolores is a full-time accountant with a Big Ten firm. She has a boyfriend who is fully aware of her part time occupation and is completely supportive of her surrogacy work. This is Fitz's final session with Dolores. They have been meeting for almost a year and his therapy team feels it is time for him to put into practice what he has learned outside of the clinical setting.

Therapy for Fitz has been about the journey to sexual satiety and discovering the aberrant elements of sex that drive men to be unfaithful; at least that's what he told himself when this all started. Now that it is over, he's not so convinced the call of the forbidden is steeped exclusively in the physical and void of an emotional component.

Dolores comes to sit next to Fitz on the bed. "Jeremy I know this is our last session but I want to clear the air about a few things. Throughout the entire therapy process, I have felt that you had not been completely honest with me. I have tried to stress the importance of honesty and open communication as the basis for a healthy intimate relationship. However, in spite of my best efforts I continue to sense you are holding back. You have allowed yourself to experience the mechanics and physical pleasure of sex but your participation lacks tenderness and openness. I have to ask, are you hiding something? Is this some sort of game or experiment to you? Do you believe you have been earnest in your commitment to your therapy?"

Not wanting to admit her intuition is spot on, Fitz goes on the defensive. He knows how to spin an argument in his favor and make his opponent question her own assertion.

"What specifically have I said or done that makes you think I have not committed fully to my therapy?"

"For one thing you're paying for your therapy with a prepaid Visa card. You carry two cell phones and your address is a PO Box. You arrive by cab, not your own car and your uniform of choice includes dark jeans, a black t-shirt, sunglasses and a baseball cap. Furthermore, after each session you appear to jot down notes on your phone. You always arrive at dusk and put on your sunglasses on before you leave the building even though it's evening".

"Wow Dolores, thank you for pointing out my persistent idiosyncrasies, I'll be sure to work on those with my next therapist". Fitz tilting his head to the side retorts with a hint of sarcasm. "As for my sexual performance being mechanical and lacking tenderness and openness…I…I…I have no words…I…I don't quite know how to respond to your observation". Fitz stammers a little trying to gathering his thoughts. He actually thought himself a pretty good actor; apparently that's not the case.

"Dolores the whole point of these therapy sessions is for me to freely allow myself to explore and experience the full range of sexual gratification without guilt in a safe nonjudgmental environment. Your assessment of my motivation is exactly what I was trying to avoid and why I sought therapy in the first place. I have never strayed from the conventional for fear of being demonized. Overcoming repressed feelings is major issue for me. My goal with you was to experience sexual intercourse without the feeling of guilt I've come to associate with anything beyond the church sanctioned missionary position. You're right, maybe I have not completely overcome my repressed feelings. On the other hand, this is therapy and we are not in a relationship so should there not be a relative degree of emotional distance between us. I was not under the impression the goal here was for me to exchange one emotional issue for another, the other being the lost of our relationship if I had developed feelings for you.

"Jeremy, my intention is not to discourage you or make you feel sexually inadequate. I'm here to help you connect with your emotions and develop your ability to connect with your partner on both a physical and emotional level. You have mastered the use of the tools but I want you…I mean the therapy team wants you to be able to utilize the tools as a functionally integrated whole person, a person who can both give and receive in a committed relationship. I apologize if my assessment seems harsh but as you said the whole point of you being here is to work out your inhibitions and relationship fears".

Fitz turns away from Dolores, stands up and goes into the bathroom to flush the condom he's be holding in his hand down the toilet. He wipes his member off with a couple of fresh naps from the basket on the sink, washes his hands and finger-combs his hair. He stares at himself in the mirror pausing for a moment of introspection before rejoining Dolores. The two put on their clothes in silence then leave to meet with the talk therapist for Fitz's final counseling session debrief.

* * *

AN- So Mellie and Fitz are friends and nothing more.

Now why on earth is Fitz using a sex surrogate under an assumed name?

Why is he so fascinated with what drives people to commit adultery?

What is it with his dis on the tried and true missionary position?

Next up, Sunday dinner with the Popes, Fitz and Olivia meet and...?

Any guesses where they will meet? Any suggestions?

I welcome your thoughts and comments. Until next time be safe and take care.

I own nothing. the characters are the property of


	4. Chapter 4

AN- Happy holidays to one and all. I hope all is well with everyone and that the holiday season is bringing good times with family and friends. I want to take a moment thank all you readers and reviewers who take the time a spend a few moments out of your life to take a journey with me to a crafted reality. Your support has given me an opportunity to do something I never thought I would do and that is write and for that I am truly thankful. Enjoy and from my family to yours, have a very Merry Christmas, a prosperous and blessed New Year.

 **And What Has It Gotten Me**

 **Chapter 4**

 **Sunday Morning**

Spit and polish patent leather shoes dazzle in the early morning sunlight and brightly colored oversized hats adorn carefully coiffured heads. It's Sunday morning and the good brothers and sisters of Mt. Zion Missionary Church as scheduled parade around in the splendor of their best Sunday finery. Air kisses and the customary chorus of stock salutations, "praise the Lord, I'm blessed, and Satan is a liar", resound among the faithful as they mill around greeting one another with the usual Sunday morning pomp and circumstance before taking their designated pew assignments arranged by hierarchy through longevity.

First Lady Maya Pope enters the sanctuary exuding all the holy confidence and self-assuredness expected from the pastor's wife. Every hair in place, her nails manicured perfection, her suit impeccable. She takes her seat in the front row, bible at her side, hymnal on her lap. Maya's impenetrable façade gives no hint she is a woman newly estranged from her daughter. To Maya her dilemma with Olivia is an attack on her faith walk and she will not allow Old Slew Foot to rattle her nerves. Maya is absolutely convinced she has raised her daughter right and Olivia's little crisis is a mere bump in the road, a test of her commitment to the faith and she will not let Olivia or the devil ruin her testimony before God. Olivia's quest to misstep is on Olivia and Olivia only alone; well maybe not alone, that Abby girl has something to do with it, Maya is sure of it. Call it faith, arrogance, or pride, whatever you want but in Maya's mind she cannot afford to be vulnerable, weak or accept any measure of blame for her family's current mess and Olivia's predicament is messy; and Maya Pope does not do messy.

Trailing behind his wife, Pastor Eli walks up to the pulpit lectern draped in his purple Wesley style preacher robe trimmed with gold ribbon edges and black velvet panels with crosses embroidered in metallic gold. He looks over at Maya, her bible lays to her right side in the seat Olivia normally occupies. Seemingly unfazed by the turmoil taking place within their household, she gives him her usual Sunday morning nod and smile. There will be questions for sure. Olivia rarely misses church and based on what she said the other day she won't be returning to Mt. Zion, or any church for that matter, any time soon.

He carefully scans the faces of his congregation. Are there more who feel like Olivia out there? Has he been a compassionate loving shepherd or _a sounding brass or clanging cymbal_? Has he inspired or has he only pushed just enough for the majority to feel they meet the Christian standard by attending church on Sunday and throwing a few dollars in offering plate? For the first time, he sees what he has chosen to ignore for years reflected in the faces of his congregants. Before him is row after row of complacent guises, not an eager flock hungry for the transforming, edifying word of the most high God. He looks down at his black leather bible, the bible he has used for the last 20 years, the bible his precious Olivia gave to him when he became the pastor of Mt. Zion, the bible she did odd jobs around the church to earn money so she could by him the top of line trilingual translation. He rubs the few remaining gold embossed letters of his name on the well-worn cover. He sighs deeply and wonders when he let mediocrity replace revelation.

The choir director looks to see if Eli is ready for praise and worship to begin. Eli gives the director the signal and the choir stands. For the next 30 minutes, soulful gospel hymns transform the sanctuary into a place of transcendence. The cares of the world disappear, the trappings of secular want are forgotten and the problems of the individual seem nonexistent for a short time as communal praise unites the church. The words of scripture embodied in the melodic rhythms reach into Eli's soul. He feels the lord's presence and renewed sense of direction.

After the reading of the morning announcements, the receiving of the tithes, offerings and support for the missionary teams, Eli recites the morning prayer. His plea for forgiveness of sins, the strength to endure trials and temptations until the end is followed by a weak round of "amens" and a _don't even go there glare_ from Maya. The congregation is accustomed to the "bless us abundantly materially and grant us favor so we can be the light in a dark world" type prayer. A few pillars in the front pew twist their faces in disappointment at not receiving their weekly gimmie-gimme prayer.

Undaunted by the congregation's uncharacteristic lukewarm response Eli soldiers on.

" Today I want to talk about serving God. Serving the Lord is a daily requirement not just something we do on Sunday, at Christmas, Easter, or some other special occasion. We are called to serve him in our daily walk and in everything we do. There is no off switch with the Lord, there are no vacation breaks or time off for good behavior. He is a 24/7 God and as his children we must be the same way."

"Yes lawd," Sister Clara shouts while cooling her menopausal body with one of the fans donated by Herman's Mortuary.

"He never sleeps", shouts Deacon Andre, in between naps disguised as deep reflection.

Shouts of "Make it plain pastor", also add to the mix of affirming sermon commentaries.

Maya smiles, pleased with her husband's choice of sermon topic.

Eli continues his sermon for another minute or so then stops mid-sentence and closes his bible. He stares at the book he's used practically his entire life as a guide for living. He takes off the reading glasses perched at the tip of his nose. The memory of Olivia waving the blacken pages of her redacted bible, tearfully asserting she's never experienced the promises, affirmations or the love the bible speaks of steals his focus. He looks at Maya and shakes his head. She knows instantly what he is about to do and she shoots him a tread lightly frown.

"How many of you feel you serve the Lord and receive little to nothing in return? How many of you are standing on God's promises and most of your life has gone by without resolution? How many here will be honest and say they have never felt the joy of the Lord? How many of you tire of what seems like a one-sided relationship with God? How many of you feel the church makes excuses for God by explaining away tragedy, disappointment and unanswered prayers as God's will?"

Brows knit, eyes widen and perplexing stares travel from person to person. Some release sighs of relief - _yes finally my troublesome thoughts are being put out there_. Others scowl, none too pleased with the unexpected direction of the sermon. A couple of the senior elders whisper their concern the pastor's remarks are teetering on the brink of blasphemy. " _The creation does not question the creator. Unanswered prayers are a blessing and God's way of protecting his people; pastor cannot possibly be questioning this irrefutable fact"._

"Brothers and sisters, can we keep it real? Many of us attend church out of fear, not out of love for God or because we truly believe God exists. Let's face it, men and women at heart are afraid and indecisive about a great many things in this life. We go to jobs we hate because we are afraid we won't be successful at what we truly love do. We accumulate material goods not because we need them but because we're afraid to not have them and be looked upon as less than in the eyes of others. It is time for us be honest with ourselves and one another. The fact is we approach God in the same way. We come to church not because we are convinced God exists but because we have a better safe than sorry attitude and are hedging our bet, just in case, to ensure that when we leave this life we have a better place to go to. We are beings of spiritual conflict, more often than not believing in reincarnation, karma and the salvation of our eternal soul all at the same time because we are afraid of what life without faith in something more than ourselves would be like".

Confusion and murmuring continue to spread throughout the sanctuary. No one can grasp or pinpoint the impetus for the sermon shift. By the time Eli finishes his sermon, heads ache, ties are loosened around necks, and suspicion abounds. Pastor Eli has found out something and some speculate a couple of the deacons with questionable lifestyles are about to exposed. Still others leave the church without feeling a cloud hanging over their heads for the first time. The sacrilegious private thoughts they'd never dare not speak have been broadcast from the pulpit bringing an uplifting light to the darkest place in their struggling souls.

* * *

Eli is in his office hanging up his robe when he hears the unmistakable clicking footfalls of his fast approaching irritated wife. He puts on his suit jacket, closes the closet door, takes a deep breath and girds his loins.

"I don't know what you hope to accomplish with that stunt Eli. All you've managed to do is make our congregation question their walk and the elders question your ability."

"It is my job to make people question their walk Maya. We as believers must examine our hearts to determine whether we walk in faith, fear or worse yet misplaced obligation. Olivia is right, God calls us to reason together not check our brains and motives at the church door".

"Having faith does require you to, as you so eloquently put it, check your brain at the door. Faith and intellect are mutually exclusive. Faith requires us to accept things we cannot see or understand. By definition faith implies life's answers and desires will go unmet from time to time but we must accept it because when all is said and done this place we now call home is temporary, and our true life and happiness lies beyond this physical world".

"I agree with you Maya, almost 100 percent, but never experiencing a modicum of happiness at least a few times in life does not speak well of our faith. Feeling alienated or believing your God is ineffectual is not a mindset any soul should resign themselves to. People are hurting and before they can heal or reach a place of true faith we have to acknowledge their hurt, disappointment and doubt".

"You know best Eli, I just hope you're prepared to accept the consequences of your new view on faith", Maya tenders with concern. She takes her husband's hand, "don't let Olivia's fall from grace distract you or cause you to doubt all you've accomplished as a pastor. We will pray for her, trusting God to bring our prodigal daughter back to us". Maya says hugging Eli tightly.

"Okay My. She gives him a soft peck on the lips and a squeeze of the hand.

"Let's pick up some dinner to take over to Olivia's. Maya's soft demeanor turns stern instantly. Aghast she steps back from Eli.

"What!"

"It's her birthday Maya, she's our daughter and we always have dinner with her on her birthday to celebrate".

"I'm sorry, if memory serves me correctly our daughterly basically told us to stay away from her and out of her life. Did something happen in the last ten seconds to alter her sentiments I'm unaware of? What exactly are we celebrating? Her decision to join the slut ranks? Or maybe her new-found atheism?" Maya incredulous, cocks her head to the side, puts her hands on her hips and stares at Eli with a _well I'm waiting for an answer scowl_.

"Now My."

"Don't now My me! Olivia kicked us out of her apartment and told us she was choosing her friendship with a whore over her relationship with us, her parents".

"Maya you just said…"

"I know what I said Eli. The prodigal needs to come home on her own volition and God doesn't need our help in getting her there outside of our prayers". Maya turns on her heels and walks off in a huff leaving Eli stunned and alone.

* * *

 **Olivia's Apartment the Same Morning**

… _It's like I told you, only the lonely can play_

 _So hold here we go_

 _Hold on to nothin' we know_

 _I feel so lonely_

 _Way up here_

 _You mention the time were together_

 _So long ago well I don't remember_

 _All I know is it makes me feel good now_

 _It's like I told you only the lonely can play_

 _Only the lonely only the lonely can play…_

Olivia wakes up feeling mocked by the song blaring on her alarm clock. Refusing to open her eyes, she reaches over to her nightstand haphazardly searching by touch for the snooze button. Locating her target, she bangs the noisy sleep disruptor into silent submission. She lays on her belly under the covers mentally debating her next move. Decision made, she stretches like a cat, yawns and sits up to rest against the tufted headboard of her California king size bed. Unlike most mornings where for a few brief moments her mind is free of the thoughts that fuel her sense of melancholy, thanks to the haunting lyrics of The Motels, her usual morning reprieve is a no-go.

Languishing in her bed alone, she bemoans having no lover to kiss her good morning, no beau to wrap his arms around her, no one to say I love you and am grateful you were born this day 35 years ago. Yes, Olivia Carolyn Pope is 35 years old today; although she's been saying she's 35 for the entire month. Her friends will send emails and e-birthday cards wishing her well, a few gifts cards have already come by snail mail and her doting parents will soon call with their usual early morning birthday serenade. _Wait, no they won't._ Friday night's brouhaha and her admission of lost faith will keep them away from her. She is a pariah, one of the unclean now.

Olivia has no intention of attending church today, next Sunday or the Sunday after that. Sundays have never been a day of rest for her. Between teaching Sunday school, singing in the choir, visiting the homebound and dinner with her parents, her Sundays at times were busier than her weekday schedule. Olivia has never had the luxury of a lazy Sunday. She will miss interacting with the children in Sunday school but that's about it. Feelings of weariness and futility have long since replaced the feeling of being part of the church body. The church will take her absence in stride. Maya will think up some excuse to explain her extended nonattendance; an excuse short of the complete truth and just shy of a lie.

It's 4:30 in the morning, no one is up except donut makers, cops and Olivia Pope. Rolling out of her warm bed, she drags herself over to bathroom. The room is dark and cool. She fumbles along the bathroom wall feeling for the light switch. She flips the switch on then quickly flips it off blinded by vanity lights with the luminosity of a xenon searchlight. She adjusts the dimmer and turns the light on again. Gazing at herself in the mirror, she can see every pore, every freckle, every imperfection. Olivia is not unattractive, on the contrary, she is actually quite beautiful by any standard. Beauty is fleeting her parents would always say. _Use your brain Olivia, be the smartest one in the room and you will go far with God's help._ _Remember Olivia, "favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman that fears the lord, she shall be praised._ "Yeah and alone", she mutters.

For the last two nights, she and Abby have watched several instructional sex videos from the Adam and Eve care package she bought, along with a few hard and softcore porn selections. To say Olivia had no idea sex had so many facets is an understatement. While some acts and positions made her tingle in her nether region, the freaky fetish stuff disgusted her. Abby suggested she start off by focusing on solo erotica to help get comfortable with her body's reaction to sexual stimulation. Olivia was hesitant at first because when Maya gave her "the talk" she implied sexual self-indulgence leads to a host of female problems including infertility. Maya would hammer home her point every time someone on television mentioned fibroids, endometriosis or even ingrown pubic hairs.

Flashback

" _Stop laughing at me Abigail", Olivia playful pouts._

" _I can't, this is way too funny. Maya is too much. Oh my gosh", Abby cries wiping the tears from her eyes. "You actually believed her?"_

" _Yes, I really believed her! Why wouldn't I, she's my mother", Olivia jokingly defends. Well, I believed her until we got to human reproduction in my health education class. Do you know how embarrassing it was to ask questions that basically amounted to old wives' tales in front of a room full of hormone raging, internet porn savvy teenagers? I can still remember the snickers and snide comments whispered behind my back._ _Pope do you think you'll go blind if you touch yourself?_ _You know Pope there's more to do on your knees than pray. Sorry Pope, the lord has already come, you're never going to be the virgin mother. Pope you do know you can't catch cooties from a boy?"_

 _Olivia continues her story, "I ran home almost in tears that first day. I felt so humiliated", she whispers soberly, zoning out lost in the memory. Abby no longer laughing, takes Olivia's hand._

" _When I got home I immediately told my mother what happened at school and how completely embarrassed I was expecting her to apologize or at least comfort me in some way"._

" _What did she say?" Abby asks rubbing Olivia's hand._

" _Olivia Carolyn Pope, fornicating is fornicating whether you are doing it to yourself or do it with someone else. Who's to say what I told you isn't true? What causes this disease or that disease changes all the time. All I'm certain of is that masturbation is the pathway to perversion. Do you want to become a pervert Olivia?"_

" _Jesus, she fed you that nonsense with a straight face?"_

" _Yes, she did, then handed me a piece of chocolate cake and a glass of milk and left the kitchen without saying another word. The subject never came up again. My mother is a master at avoiding conversations having to do with sex or sexuality"_.

End Flashback

One particular video she watched during her pornfest with Abby did pique Olivia's interest. It demonstrated the orgasmic pleasures available from a hand-held shower wand. She smiles recalling Abby's reaction.

" _Oh yeah baby, pulsating jets of warm water drenching your pearl; excellent choice my not so young apprentice", Abby gleefully encourages. Olivia punches Abby in the arm for the age comment._

" _Geez Liv, for a small person you sure pack a hard punch"_

" _Haven't you ever heard, small, strong and mighty or that big things come in small packages"._

" _More like short repressed women have knuckles made of brass"._

Pulling back the shower curtain, she turns on the chrome faucet handle and waits anxiously for the water to reach the right temperature. She wistfully thinks about the moves and noises the woman in the shower video made and slowly takes off her pajamas. Warm steam from the shower fills the bathroom, snapping her out of her daydream. She pulls back the shower curtain again and steps in. Standing under the adjustable head, she lets the warm cascade rinse away her inhibitions. It's time to move past the theoretical and start experiencing actual sexual release. She unhooks the adjustable shower head and turns the control dial to pulsate. Aiming the intermittent stream at her hand, she tests the pressure. Satisfied, she braces her left hand against the back wall of the shower and stations her right foot atop the tub ledge. She slowly works the pulsating stream back and forth along her clit and channel opening. Olivia bites her lower lip as the shower head traverses the narrow course. The pulsating stream massages her sensitive folds of flesh stimulating untapped nerve endings in a new and pleasurable way. An exciting sensation begins to build between her legs invigorating and enlivening her womanhood. Her fingernails scrape against the shower wall and soft moans deep from within join the rhythmic sound of bursting jets of water. Olivia quickly finds a satisfying pattern of pleasure delivery; two deep thrusts of water inside her channel, three pulses to her clit. A tightness grows in her belly as the application of water pressure intensifies. Her inner walls clench excitedly, releasing a warm secretion that makes her sex feel slippery and crave more stimulation from the scintillating pulses of water. Sighs give way to moans, moans give way to ahs, ahs give way to whimpers and cupped breasts complement the act of penetration by water, as her climax approaches. A few more thrusts, a sated cry and Olivia achieves her very first orgasm. She drops the shower wand, braces both hands against the shower wall for stability and rides out the most wonderful blissful experience she has ever had. With wobbly legs, she turns pressing her back to the wall letting friction and gravity guide her body down to the floor of the shower where she sits waiting for her heart rate and breathing to return to normal.

"Happy birthday to me in deed", she says laughing burying her face in her hands.

* * *

Olivia having enjoyed her early morning birthday present decides another delicious carnal romp is in order for later in the evening. She sits on the couch twirling her hair around her finger contemplating her future lot. She decides if relegated to a life without passion or love, she is at least going to have sexual gratification on a regular basis and it does not matter to her it will be artificially generated. What does she have to compare it to? If this is as good as it gets in her life, so be it.

Two nondescript rectangular boxes sit on the coffee calling to Olivia. Just the anticipation of using the products inside the boxes makes her vagina twitch. The orgasm from the shower wand has her craving a deeper sexual experience. An experience those boxes hold the key to. She nervously alternates between steepling and interlacing her fingers. Picking up the first box, she rips off the cellophane wrap and opens it. The instructions, which include a diagram of the female anatomy, detail the proper placement of the device for maximum stimulating effectiveness. She pulls out the phallic shaped, flesh colored striated silicone vibrator and examines it. Batteries are included so she presses the on button. Startled, she jumps slightly not expecting immediate simulated movement. Placing the vibrator back in the box, she opens the second box. She holds up the second vibrator, a clear silicone purple circumcised tipped rabbit. According to the box, this model rotates and dips. From the looks of it Olivia suspects it also lights up like disco ball and plays music. She's about to turn it on when the doorbell rings. Checking the wall clock, Olivia sees it's too early for Abby to come over but reasons Abby changed her mind and decided to drop by earlier to surprise her for her birthday. She lays the rabbit on the couch and goes to answer the door.

Without looking through the peephole Olivia swings open the front door beaming with an ear to ear smile which quickly fades.

"Mom, Dad, what are you doing here?" She asks surprised.

"Oh, do you have someone over?" Eli asks not wanting to intrude. Olivia glances back to the living room where she left the two vibrators.

"Uh…no…no, please, come in. I'm just shocked you're both here. I thought after the other night…"

"I told you she wouldn't expect us Eli. Sunday dinner with her parents has been replaced by Sunday with her sex toys", Maya jabs.

"Maya please, you're not helping".

"It's all right dad. She's right I wasn't expecting you. The way things ended the other night I assumed you planned shun me. Come in, I haven't prepared anything but I can have something delivered".

"No need, we coming bearing gifts. We stopped by Mama Doris' and picked up a couple of catfish and oxtail dinners. We even have bread pudding for dessert".

"With bourbon sauce?"

"Of course".

Olivia steps aside to let her parents enter. Maya and Eli place the dinner bags on the table by the door and take off their coats. After Olivia hangs up their coats, she starts walking toward the dining room but Eli stops her to give a loving hug and a kiss on the forehead. Maya, not quite ready to embrace her wayward daughter, takes the food and keeps walking toward dining room. Oliva and Eli ignore the blatant snub, being used to Maya's tendency to withhold affection following an argument.

"I'll get the plates and silverware ". Olivia goes to the kitchen and Eli and Maya open the black styrofoam food containers and lay them across the table buffet style.

Maya surveys the living room trying to figure out what Olivia was doing before she opened the door. Eyes like a hawk, Maya hones in on the boxes on the coffee table. She recognizes the boxes from the harlot package of sin Olivia purchased. She curls her lips inward, takes several deep breaths and grips the top of the dining room chair in front of her. Olivia returns to the table distracting Maya before her umbrage has a chance to turn into a full-blown conniption.

After placing the plates and utensils on the table Olivia remembers the vibrators are in plain sight of the dining room. She nonchalantly makes her way over to the coffee table, opens the storage ottoman in front of the couch and slides the boxes off the table into the ottoman. Maya gestures to Eli pointing to Olivia who is hurriedly putting something.

"No reason to clean up on our account Olivia dear", Maya sings with a hint of accusatory smugness.

Olivia ignores the comment and returns to the table. The family sits awkwardly around the table, Maya and Eli on one side Olivia on the opposite side. Eli blesses the food, noting upon opening his eyes Olivia's lack of participation and it saddens him. Maya on the other hand is incensed.

"So even expressing gratitude for your meal is beyond you now", Maya snaps.

Olivia rolls her eyes and is about to respond when Eli jumps in to defuse the situation. He squeezes Maya's thigh under the table and asks Olivia if she has plans with her friends later.

"No, I just plan to relax, I haven't had a lazy Sunday in quite a while".

"Is what you were doing considered a lazy Sunday".

"What's that supposed to mean? Olivia asks tilting her head, clearly irritated.

"Maya stop it", Eli warns.

"I told you this was a bad idea. Apparently, she's adding lying to her repertoire of new experiences. You think we didn't notice you trying to hide those disgusting sex tools in the ottoman?"

"Maya please! Let's enjoy dinner with our daughter without a fight". Eli pleads.

Olivia drops her fork on her plate, the harsh clang of the utensil heightens the tension at the table. She starts to speak but stops shaking her head reasoning there is no point in arguing with Maya. Determined to save herself the frustration of a Maya Pope lecture, Olivia grabs a corn muffin and stuffs it into her mouth.

Silence envelopes the room, no one speaks further. Eli pours some lemonade into a glass and hands it to Olivia. "Happy birthday Olivia".

"Thank yo…". Oliva's thank you is interrupted by a knock at the front door, then the sound of a key unlocking the front door. Abby opens the door with her head down as she walks in fumbling through purse searching for some brochures she wants to show Olivia.

"Hey Liv, get your ass out here. Your personal dickologist is here to give you your next lesson". Abby looks up, her eyes pop out, much to her chagrin, three shocked faces are staring back at her.

"Oh no", Olivia whispers under her breath.

"Oh fuck a duck", Abby says ready to make a run for nearest exit.

And Maya without a thought's hesitation blurts out "whore".

* * *

Well what do you think about Olivia's shower experience? She has taken a bite of the apple, so to speak, and is ready to kick things up a notch with battery operated gadgets. Do you think she's going overboard and rushing to do too much too soon?

Eli appears to be doing some soul searching on his own. Do you think he's right or is Maya right? Do most people attend church out of fear or faith? Does faith require the absence of intellect to be fully realized?

I would love to hear your thoughts.

You can thank fellow ff writer kz4valentina for this update. She mentioned an update it a few days ago and since I had most of the chapter already done a while back I went ahead and finished it.


	5. Chapter 5

**And What Has It Gotten Me**

 **Chapter 5**

 **You've Said Enough**

Abby uses her key to enter Olivia's apartment. She steps leaving the door open as she removes the key from the lock.

"Hey Liv, get your ass out here. Your personal dickologist is here to give you your next lesson". Abby looks up, her eyes pop out, much to her surprise, three shocked faces are staring back at her.

Before she can close the door, Maya Pope starts screaming at her. "Whore!"

"Oh no", Olivia whispers under her breath.

"Oh fuck a duck", Abby sighs, ready to make a run for nearest exit.

"Whore!" Maya repeats, standing and slamming her fists down on the table.

"Mother! Olivia shrieks. You have no right to speak to Abby that way!"

"Jezebel! You're beguiling our daughter with satan's temptations of the flesh. We should have never allowed her to be unequally yoked with the likes of you. You're clouding her judgment and jeopardizing her salvation. What did you do to her? Do you have her mixed up in drugs? Did you trick her into joining some sexual cult? Oh god, are you a scientologist?" Maya gasps covering her mouth.

Abby stands with her mouth agape not knowing what to say or do. Her patent sarcastic barbs don't quite fit the current situation and she would never disrespect Olivia's parents.

Eli jumps to his feet, he gently grabs Maya's arm. "Maya don't", he whispers shaking his head. "Abby is our daughter's friend, not our enemy. We have no right to judge her, your behavior is completely out of line". Maya cannot believe what she's hearing. Olivia's moral crisis is affecting her husband, the shepherd of flock.

"My behavior, my behavior! Are you serious? This harlot in a suit is on a mission to corrupt our daughter and you're taking issue with my behavior. Be careful Eli, entertaining Olivia's newfound misconceptions on faith will only lead you down the same slippery slope. Hold fast Eli, hold fast".

Olivia livid, pushes her chair away from the table. "Mother Abby is my friend, a friend who has never tried to interfere with how I live my life unlike you! My newfound misconceptions as you call it, are not new, suppressed for years yes, but not new. You and I both know the church in general is filled with hypocrites. From the highest to the lowliest, people talk the talk but few walk the walk. Congregants fornicate all the time. If it's such a sin why is everyone doing it? Pastors, priests, evangelists, all hide their veniality behind platitudes, hackneyed phrases, and sanctimonious scowls. The church is pious in public and secular in private. At least Abby is honest to about who she is".

Olivia is this what you think of me? Eli's eyes glisten and his voice cracks.

"Daddy, I will never lump you in with those posers but my perceptions are more fact than supposition. The news and social media confirm it every day. Scandal and hypocrisy, not the lord, are becoming the cornerstone of the church."

"Enough!" Maya screams. "I will not listen to any more of your preposterous ranting. Daughter of mine you know the end of the book as well as I do. The great falling away is happening now. You need to get on your knees and pray for strength to endure to the end."

"Maybe the great falling away is the mass realization that the claims and promises of god we've all cherished and relied on are untrue. Maybe a new form of enlightenment will replace fiction and heal the emptiness and loneliness many feel."

"Fiction! Fiction! Do you hear this Eli? She's calling our life's work fiction, a lie, a fantasy."

"Mama, I'm not saying that, you misunderstand me."

"No Olivia I understand all too well what you mean. Apparently, your father and I are so addle brained we've wasted our lives leading people into darkness rather than true enlightenment. Well no worries, we'll no longer trouble you with our misguided convictions. Eli let's go. Olivia needs to consult with her pulpiteer of enlightenment." Angry and hurt Maya storms out of the apartment leaving her purse and jacket.

"Daddy…" Eli raises his hand cutting Olivia off.

"Olivia, we love you and want the best for you. I hope you find what you're looking for. I hope at the end of this quest of yours you'll be able to say it was worth all the pain and anguish it caused."

"Daddy just let me explain what I meant, please". He raises his hand again.

"Olivia there some comments you cannot retract or unsay. Give us some time." Eli nods to Abby, picks his coat, Maya's purse and jacket and leaves without saying another word or looking at Olivia.

Olivia closes the front door. She presses her head against the polished wood and slowly pats her frustrated hand against it. She loves her parents dearly but they're at a philosophical and spiritual impasse. Eli and Maya's faith is steadfast, free of doubt. Olivia is just as resolute in her conviction to question everything she once held in esteem. She feels like a child finding out there is no Santa Claus. In her mind her true adulthood is just beginning. But all that aside, she never meant or thought her quest for answers would disparage her parent's life choices or give her parents the impression she thought them naïve, dense or unenlightened. Somehow, she'll need to make amends, but for now the insult is too fresh and the hurt too deep. Tears trickle down her face. Abby comes and holds her. Olivia wipes away her tears and shakes her head letting Abby know she's fine.

"Abby I'm sorry about my mother, she's wrong and she had no right to say those hurtful comments to you."

"Oh please Liv, I've heard worse. Your mom is an amateur. Her holy roller jabs lack the slut shaming intensity of a really good profanity laced insult. Shit, until the words bitch, cunt or dick gobbler cross her lips I can't even raise an eyebrow."

Olivia gives a weak smile. They hug, then go sit on the couch. Abby, not one to dwell on unpleasantness, doesn't miss a beat and immediately resumes their talk on the sex surrogate as if only five minutes has passed instead of a couple of days. Olivia half listens. Her mind is elsewhere. Every day that passes she feels an urgency to make up for lost time and experience something new.

"Can we table the surrogate discussion for now? I want to go dancing. I'm 35 and have never been to a night club. It's my birthday and I want to do something I've never done before. I want grind against a man, feel heated breath on my neck. I want be groped and fondled", Olivia says with confesses wanderlust admitting a long held secret.

"Okay hold on Wanda wild time, let's dial you back a notch. Let's walk before we drive, shall we. Grinding is one thing, but groping and fondling send a message you don't want to communicate. Fondling and groping can escalate a heated situation into a major question of consent in the blink of an eye. A fun time is what you want to communicate, not send mixed signals in a heated moment. "

"I just want to be kissed thoroughly. I want to suck the lips of man, taste his tongue in my mouth, feel the strength of his arms wrapped around me. I want to inhale his maleness, feel his physical reaction to me and know I'm like everyone else not an aberration. I want know I can arouse a man".

Teardrops drip from the corner of Olivia's eyes. Her heart palpitates from years of gripping loneliness. Abby thinks Olivia could win an academy award for her depiction of the confident well put together sophisticated woman. No one would ever suspect she's a ball of anguish and hurt covered in skin. Abby's heart breaks for her friend. She grabs Olivia and just holds her tight letting Olivia release her silent anguish.

"Trust me Olivia I do understand. Every woman has been in the place you are now at some point in their life. Please believe me you are not an aberration, okay."

"Okay, Olivia whispers.

Intent on lifting the depressing atmosphere, Abby teases Olivia.

"Do you even know how to dance? I've only seen you perform choreographed choir steps. I mean here you are ready to get your grind on and I don't even know if you can twerk let alone gyrate your hips."

They both break into hysterical laughter. Olivia eases away sniffing and shaking her head.

Olivia sheepishly asks, "Can you teach me to dance?"

"Of course, but baby steps Liv, baby steps. Let's get you shaking your groove thang here at home before we brave the night club grindfest circuit."

"Okay."

"Just be aware, my repertoire of moves is limited to three styles." Abby stands to demonstrate.

"First, there's my platonic no touching back and forth arm swing with head nod step. I always perform this move with a drink in my hand. It's the perfect cover if you can't dance because it limits your movement. Then there's my come-hither vixen slink. I use this move to let the guys know I'm up for some up close and personal time, not necessarily sex." Abby kicks off her shoes before showing Olivia her last dance step. "Now this is my horny hot hoe sultry slow- motion body roll. My hands glide up and down my body seductively as I contort and twist. I even lift my hair above my head and let it leisurely cascade down to my shoulders. I only use this move when I'm looking for a night of carnal satisfaction"

"Abby!" Olivia blushes. Abby extends her hand to Olivia.

"Time to shake your booty. Get up and me show me what you can do sister. "

The two friends spend the rest of the night dancing, laughing, and being grateful they're in each other's lives.

* * *

 **The Next Day**

"Order up for Gladys." A brunette, dressed in scrubs squeezes through the crowd huddled near the counter waiting for their morning jumpstart. _More Than Coffee_ is a new coffee house with great buzz around town. Edgier than Starbucks, the popular morning stop is reminiscent of quaint European neighborhood cafes. Olivia is addicted to their mellow roast house blend and almond cranberry scones.

"Order up for Olivia", the barista shouts. Olivia picks up her order and takes a corner seat facing window. Her people watching these days is singular in focus and consists of pondering whether this or that person had sex before starting their day or whether they were going to have sex later in the evening. Having never had sex she has a hard time understanding how couples walk around so nonchalant knowing people are aware they're having sex. She can't help herself, every person walking by becomes a naked image writhing in blissful satisfaction. Try as she might she can't shut the images out of mind.

"This is ridiculous" she mumbles under her breath. "Get a grip Olivia." Ping, her phone alerts her to an incoming message. Grabbing her phone off the table, she swipes right. "Damn it. " She hastily gathers her belongings and struts to the exit. Preoccupied with responding to the message she collides full throttle with a person entering the coffee house. The collision sends her phone and the pendaflex file from the other person crashing to the sidewalk.

A rush mutually offered, "I'm sorry, are you okay, and let me help you", follows. When Olivia finally stands up from helping retrieve scattered papers and her phone, with the aid of her collision victim, she's met with a crooked smile, blue agate eyes and a face that takes her breath away.

Fitz takes a moment to gain his bearings. The woman before him is gorgeous and instantly stirring feelings in his body long latent, feelings he should not be having outside a controlled setting.

"Are you okay", he manages to whisper, dreamily.

Olivia, mesmerized is slow to answer. "I'm, I'm, fine. I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention. Did I ruin your paperwork?"

"No damage. Transcribed Field notes mainly, I can always reproduce them." His expression is a cross between a lovestruck teenager and a researcher elated at making a new discovery.

"Excuse me, " a voice from behind them huffs.

"Sorry", they say one right after the other as they step away from the entrance.

Eyes still locked, smiling in unison, Olivia interrupts the moment by handing Fitz the last of his papers.

"Well, I should be going. Again, I apologize for the mishap."

"Really I'm fine. Don't worry about it."

"Okay, she beams. Hope the rest of your day is collision free", she jokes.

"I don't know, I rather enjoyed our little run in", he quips, his deep baritone voice sending a quake through her body.

Olivia nods, then departs for her office intrigued by the stranger and with her lower region throbbing.

* * *

AN- Here's another story I somehow managed not to update in over a year. Please me know if there's still interest in this story. There are maybe five or six chapters remaining for this ff.

So Fitz and Olivia finally meet; well sort of meet. Do you think Fitz will be Olivia's surrogate? Do you think Olivia will go through with finding a surrogate?

How about the Popes? Do you think Olivia was disrespectful?

What do think Abby has planned next for Olivia?

Have a great weekend and stay cool.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN-** I just want to say thank you to all of you who take the time write a review, favorite and follow this story. Words cannot express how uplifting, energizing and inspiring your comments, observations and words of encouragement are to me. If no one ever tells you this let me do so, you are good people. To go out of your way to say something kind, to encourage someone you don't know, makes you very special and I hope you never lose such a wonderful attribute. I hope you are blessed as much as you bless the fanfiction writers.

Special shout out to Kz4valentina for not letting me quit on this story. She gave me a gentle but "duh seriously" reality check. Thank you being a sounding board and friend.

* * *

 **And What Has It Gotten Me**

 **Chapter 6**

 **Time to Take a Break**

Fitz sits, elbows on his desk, his head resting comfortably in the palms of his hands. His office silent, except for the sound of low forced air coming from the air conditioning. Little black marks cover the last manila case file folder laying in front of him. The random dots a telltale sign his mind is preoccupied with something. His morning started with tackling a looming tower 36 file folders high and after five hours of uninterrupted painstaking work he managed to dismantle the tower, by closing out his completed case backlog and updating his current caseload.

For the last few weeks Fitz's concentration has been slightly adrift. He thought the end of his alter ego Jeremy West would be simple, after all Jeremy was a human hide, a persona he used to conduct his research with a sex surrogate. He can see how a lack sexual experimentation can lead to frustration but in his heart, he knows there is something more to infidelity than robust sex. Dolores tired to explain to him the importance of emotional connection and open communication, admittedly at the time he was unreceptive, he thought it ill-advised to add any degree of emotion to his therapy, that's not what he was there for, so why blur the lines. Yet he feels this compulsion to resurrect Jeremy and experience the emotional connection component of sexual intimacy. It is there he thinks infidelity's trigger lies. He has one problem though, there's only one woman he's willing to share an emotional connection with and he doesn't even know her name or where to find her. Her sparkling brown doe eyes and irresistible smile haunt his dreams. He felt an immediate connection the day they collided at the coffeehouse and he thinks she felt it too. If he's going to do this, it has to be with her and no one else.

Oddly enough, a few weeks ago while packing away Jeremy's things, he happened to check the burner phone for messages. Imagine his surprise to find three messages from the Henderson Clinic. Apparently, they wanted to conduct a follow up meeting to see how well he's putting into practice the technics he learned. His appointment is tomorrow, he's anxious, and having difficulty focusing on his work. Distraction is not something he can afford in his line of work.

For the last ten years he has worked part- time as a grief counselor at Queen of Angels Catholic Children's Hospital. It is an emotionally draining, yet more often than not rewarding job. Helping families through their darkest hour to a place of acceptance and peace is fulfilling important work. Lately though, a few families have noticed Fitz's head in not completely in the game and distracted behavior is not something families expect from their grief counselor. It goes without saying death is a major part of his job. Comforting a family losing a third child to a rare disease, or some freak accident is nothing new. Fitz is used to holding family members hands through surgery, chemo, spinal taps and the shutting down of life support machines. However, for the first time in his career, he has lost a child every day for two straight weeks, a heartbreaking statistical anomaly. This on top of his Jeremy issues is beginning to take a toll.

Fitz thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Come in." The opens slowly. A short gray-haired man walks in smiling from ear to ear. Fitz stands to greet his visitor.

"Bishop Primrose, good to see you. How long has it been? What brings you to town?" The two men shake hands and embrace.

"Out and about rallying the troops. Cardinal Juarez will be in town next week visiting several parishes and making himself available to hear confessions from local priests."

"Why has something happened?" Fitz asks nervously.

"Father Grant you know it's not unusual for a cardinal to carry out the duties of a parish pastor when visiting. It keeps them humble, grounded, in tune with Christ's example and reassures the pastors and priests of our dioceses the Holy Father and the Holy Church is not too big or too far removed from us."

"I see, forgive me Bishop if my question seemed impertinent."

"Not at all my son. With the recent scandals plaguing the church your reaction is a perfectly natural one."

"Thank you, Bishop."

"So tell me Fitzgerald, what you been up to?" Fitz's stomach sinks, his hands start to sweat.

"Bishop Culpepper tells me aside from the grief counseling his has handling the overflow marriage counseling at several churches."

"It's going well Bishop. Admittedly, it's never easy watching a family go through the pain of losing a child but it's important to be there to support them as they vent their anger at God and to also be there to show them his love and comfort. And to assure them their child is in the arms of the heavenly father at passing."

"True my son, very true. The Bishop also tells me you've had to deal with a rather large number of deaths these last few weeks. Such sadness and sorrow must be difficult, even for a trained professional as yourself. How are you holding up? I trust you will share your burden with a fellow priest or pastor should you feel overwhelmed."

"I will Bishop, thank you for your concern."

"And how is the marriage counseling going?"

Fitz pauses for a moment. "Uh..just…it goes well Bishop. No divorces."

"Excellent! Your little pause had me worried for a moment." Fitz says nothing. The Bishop points to the seat in front of Fitz's desk. "May I?"

"Of course, please forgive me, where are my manners. Would you care for a cup coffee, tea, some water?"

"No, my son I'm fine, thank you. Tell me, do you find marriage counseling a struggle?"

Fitz crinkles his brow. "A struggle Bishop? In what respect?"

"Come now Fitzgerald, I've known you since seminary, you're a very bright young man, I can tell when you're being evasive. Please son, answer my question. Priest are not immune to the inner conflicts common to all men. Let me guess. Sometimes you find it difficult to relate to couples in crisis, especially situations involving sex because you have no point of reference or experience to draw parallels? Am I right?"

"Yes…how did you…?"

"I too provided marriage counseling as a young priest. I recall husbands were particularly resistant to my advice."

"Yes, a number of times husbands have pointed out I have no idea what it is like to be denied conjugal relations, or to be confined to one type of sexual act. Couples are embarrassed or afraid to discuss their sexual frustrations or proclivities with me because they view me naïve, uninformed and unable to relate. It tends to be a hinderance at times."

"My son, some couples go through the marriage prep classes wide-eyed and eager, taking everything to heart, while others attend merely because it is required to marry in the church. We do our best to give couples the tools to succeed but sometimes what's taught doesn't stick or is forgotten as the years pass. Catholic couples are susceptible to same social pressures and influences impacting secular couples. Our role is to give them God's foundation, his guidelines and help them understand marriage is a sacrament, a blessing to help them weather life's adversity with someone by their side."

"Yes, I agree and understand Bishop, however, there are times couples find church tenets archaic platitudes out of step with the realities of today's world. I meet with husbands who feel they are not being unfaithful because they enjoy watching internet pornography. Wives who feel disrespected and abused because their husbands want to perform sexual acts normally reserved for prostitutes. I cannot count the number of times I've been asked whether a particular position or act is sanctioned by God or the church or whether either can be modified to be an acceptable conjugal act. One angry husband told me I was incapable of determining if a sexual act crossed the line over into perversion because I had no practical frame of reference."

"My son I understand your dilemma. You feel inadequate advising others on matters you feel you have no experience. Trust me this is not the case. Researchers, doctors, therapists and a slew of other professionals counsel and advise on topics they themselves have never experienced or struggled with. It in no way diminishes their ability to lead a person in need back to a place of reflection, healing or wholeness. It is precisely our lack of experience that enables to empathize equally with both husband and wife and be impartial."

"Yes Bishop, but being impartial carries with it a degree of detachment which limits our empathy and our ability to see both sides from each person's viewpoint, don't you think?"

"I suppose to a degree what you are saying is true. However, I do not believe it hampers our ability to provide sound practical and spiritual truths appropriate for any and every one of life's myriad of situations. My son, detachment is necessary to protect our hearts too. Can you imagine being emotionally invested in every couple or person you counsel? You'd lose yourself and become ineffective."

Fitz nods his head, giving the Bishop an obliging smile. "Yes Bishop."

"My son, when is the last time you had a vacation? Even we servants of God need time away to relax and recharge."

"Four maybe five years ago", Fitz says tilting his head trying to remember.

"Oh my goodness, Fitzgerald, this will never do. No wonder your brain is overthinking matters. God does not expect you to serve him or his flock to the detriment of your own health. Even God rested if your recall. Monsignor Devereaux will be relocating here in a couple of weeks. Before he starts his new duties, I'm going arrange for him to fill in for you with Bishop Culpepper for a few weeks while you take a much needed vacation."

"Bishop thank you but I have families…" The bishop waves his hands interrupting Fitz's attempted excuse.

"Who will understand you being called away for health reasons. I'm concerned about your mental and spiritual wellbeing my son. The monsignor is an excellent counselor with an impeccable track record. Your charges will be safe with him and will in no way feel slighted."

"Bishop I appreciate your concern but…"

"No buts Father Grant, this is not a suggestion or an option, this is an order. You have two weeks to prepare your families and couples to meet Monsignor Devereaux, after that you are on a 60-day vacation leave."

* * *

 **Henderson Clinic**

Jeremy do you have any questions? Dr. Fulbright hands him the information packet.

"Uhm, yes, just one. Dolores seemed to think I wasn't a fully integrated person. So, forgive me if I find this offer to train as a surrogate surprising."

"I understand your confusion. Dolores was simply testing you. She wanted to make sure you were able to draw the line between therapy and emotional detachment. Your explanation to her and our subsequent discussion following your last session leads us to believe you are the perfect surrogate trainee candidate."

"I see…well. I never contemplated actually becoming a surrogate, I'll need some time to think this over."

"Understandable, please take all the time you need. The packet contains all the information we've discussed, plus a long list of FAQs. Training is individualized and can start at any time. However, you will need to be fingerprinted and undergo a background check. We'll also need information on your educational background and a medical screening. Please don't hesitate to give me or Dr. Ward a call if you have any questions."

"Thank you." He shakes hands with both doctors before heading toward the reception area.

* * *

"Abby you said three minutes, that was ten minutes ago. They've already called my name once. I'm not going in there by myself."

"Geez woman, I'm getting off the elevator, go back in I'm right behind you."

Olivia breaths a sigh of relief, then opens the clinic door. Not looking up as she puts her cell phone back in her purse she bumps into someone exiting. A pair of sunglasses hit the stone tile floor breaking followed by a large white envelope _. I cannot believe I've done this again._

"Pardon me, I'm so, so sorry, I wasn't paying attention. She drops to her knees to pick up the broken sunglasses and envelope. She places the broken lens pieces atop the envelope and hands them to the unfortunate stranger, again not looking up.

"Please allow me to pay you to replace your glasses." Fumbling for her wallet she hands over $400. "Is this enough", she asks finally looking up.

Vibrant blue eyes and a warm smile greet her. "Why do you insist on knocking my belongings and papers from my hands whenever we meet?"

Olivia is dumbstruck. _It's him. Wait, is he a surrogate or a client?_

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

AN- So Fitz is a priest. Now you know why I almost quit this story. When I saw there was another story out there with this twist I got discouraged. But as it was pointed out to me, how many stories are out there where Fitz is a professor, or doctor or a lawyer etc. I obsessed on the profession and forgot about the story for a second. Don't know why, can't explain it. Anywho, I'm back on track. Yay.

So do you think Fitz or rather Jeremy will become a surrogate?

Do you think Olivia will go through with obtaining a surrogate?

What do you think Father Grant is going to do for 60 days?

Do you think the Bishop suspects anything?

Waiting to read your thoughts.

Until next time, have a great week.


End file.
